I Am Seething Jealous
3 exercises to turn your jealousy into clarity.
Let me set the scene for you. I was there, in my bed, freshly washed sheets, hair washed and clean, ready to pick up my book at the end of a beautiful day. Then, as one does, I pick up my phone and start a little scroll. You know, to gather inspiration, to maybe read one of my fav substacks, whatever. And there she was. A beautiful soul I follow announcing her latest creative endeavor.
I spiraled.
I was seething.
I was practically frothing.
The flood of thoughts began to flit through my brain faster than a disassociated doom scroll. Thoughts like, “well I just don’t have what she has” or “she has more support than I do”, the list of thoughts like these was very extensive and they flooded my brain. This is not unfamiliar or an uncommon experience. After sufficiently wringing every last thought out, and a conversation with my husband, I was able to pause and identify that I was experiencing immense, unwavering, scream in my face jealousy.
You see, It wasn’t about her. Not really, I actually quite admire this person, and many others creatives I surround myself with in vivo and in the online sphere. I adore seeing people following their dreams. I WANT to see that from people. And yet, I am human.
In my early girlhood to probably the back half of my twenties I would be ok engaging with the thoughts jealousy masquerades as. If I were to continue this, I would completely miss an opportunity. I would have missed out on the invaluable map I was just handed. A map of my deepest desires and exactly why I think I can’t have them. I am in a current space in life where I have built enough safety and security within myself to approach jealousy in another way. To approach it with curiosity, and from the perspective that if I am willing to, the feeling has potential to spur me into aligned action.
It has potential to spur YOU into aligned and creative action. I began exploring jealousy as an invitation in 2020. It makes sense, it was a forced pause and I had space to explore many different experiences that continued to come up for me. It has single handedly been a practice that I credit with the life I am living today. The thing is, if I would have remained unwilling and unable to get curious about jealousy I may not have ever joined a yoga teacher training, I may not have ever started being honest with myself about my deepest desires, I may never have started painting, or created more space for connection in my marriage. To be honest I don’t even know if I would have started my Substack.
It is not about bypassing the jealousy, because you may have been told it is an ugly feeling. It is about accepting it as an invitation. About collaborating with the energy jealousy presents. It is about noticing when you are mentally degrading yourself or someone else and alchemizing that feeling into creative insight.
But how?
Below I am sharing ways I have practice playing with jealousy. I can honestly say now, when I feel jealous I border on excitement, because it is perhaps closely related to clarity. Maybe the same coin, different side?
Sit with it. I mean really make space for yourself to feel it, to notice the thoughts you are having when jealousy comes up. Maybe for you it starts off with all the reasons you can’t do/have/practice what you deeply desire. Maybe you aren't even sure what it is you are jealous of. This is the first step. It is essential, but maybe the most uncomfortable. Take a deep inhale, and a slower exhale. Bring your attention to the sensation of jealousy. This is the part where you get to know it. Option to associate a color with the sensation. After you have noticed and spent some time just breathing and being, ask yourself the question, ‘what am I jealous of?’ You may be surprised at the answer. It may not be what you initially thought. Write one sentence stating the desire you have behind the sensation. As you bring this desire to the forefront of your mind, you may notice it evolving, clarifying. Knowing where to go often starts with a spark. Desire can be that spark. It can be your compass.
Speaking of a compass. Map your jealousy. Like actually. Get out colored pencils, your favorite pens, print pictures. Whatever you want to get into the flow here. You start with maybe the feeling or even your desire you found above, and around it you could put other times you noticed the feeling, you could put tiny action steps (which as anybody knows are actually very brave–monumental steps). The goal is to allow this to be open ended. This is YOUR map. By the end of this exercise, you might be realizing this looks a lot like a vision board or a manifesto depending on if you took to a visual route or a written format.
Act as if. I stumbled upon this exercise in 2020 and tweaked it to make it my own. Get out your journal, and begin writing a very detailed scene of what a day would look like in your life if you were the one doing what it is you are jealous of. An example for you; I find wild jealousy of people launching their debut novels or written works. When I engage with this exercise I would write down what my day would look like from the time I got up, what I was wearing, eating, drinking, doing until I went to bed if I were the one launching my debut novel. This in the past has been eye opening in realizing, I am either not that far off from actualizing a desire or it uncovers more depth to the desire. Either way—powerful.
If you have been here awhile, you may know my personal practice is contentment. It is finding ways to absolutely love my life, without constantly wanting or striving for more. However, I am whole. What this means to me is, I do not ostracize emotions that maybe “low vibes”. I do not only welcome the parts of me that are desirable, but the ones that are darker and more gritty. Growing up in a small, very religious town, I was taught that jealousy, and feelings like it were to be shunned. We simply should not feel it. But my god, by not feeling it I was missing out on so much insight, on directives. By not feeling it and getting curious, it was turning into hateful and degrading muck taking up space in my brain and gaining power. I will tell you, It feels much better to be curious.
You may do all this exploring and find that you are not actually jealous at all or you might, for the first time even, acknowledge what you want. There is just this one existence that is guaranteed, why not know yourself? Why not know what you want? Why not welcome the most whole version of you to the table?
Until next time,
Taylor
Want to read more? Here is my last post: A Place To Be: February
Wow, Taylor🩷
This hit SO close to home for me. I have struggled with jealousy for as long as I can remember and I’m so deeply ashamed of this emotion; this “ugly” side of my soul. My eyes are leaking. We grew up incredibly poor, my brother and I were raised by a single mom. Our basic needs were met, but my devout Catholic grandmother paid to send us to a Catholic school. The school associated with the church she belonged to just happened to be the most prestigious school in the area. My grandmother was one of the loveliest people I have ever known. She wasn't wealthy by any means, but this was that important to her, so she made the sacrifice. The school taught from kindergarten through 8th grade and when I was little, it was fine. By the time I was ten or eleven—around 5th grade—that began to change. I became aware of the enormous homes my friends lived in, the inground pools, the immense closets full of all the clothes I wanted but couldn't have, their stories of cruises to the Bahamas, vacations in Hawaii, or trips to Disney World. A little green seed of envy began to take root, and as it grew, I felt increasingly more inferior to everyone around me. Flash forward to now and it’s taken a slightly different form, but it still tells me I’m inferior. I also have a dream of writinga novel and getting it published. When I see people celebrating literary victories, I can almost hear it whisper that I won't ever amount to anything. I shove the feeling down as I congratulate them and tell them I’m proud. It's not untrue—I am proud of them. I want to love people. I want to see them succeed. But that doesn't mean I’m not jealous. I saw your post the other day and normally, I’d have read it right away. I didn’t consciously connect the reason why I opted to postpone reading to what I was feeling. But if I’m being honest, just seeing the title likely spurred my anxiety—because we try to stuff our dark parts down, to hide them, to hide from them—Just as you were taught growing up. I was taught the same. You're absolutely right though. Stuffing our dark parts down does not serve us. Taking ownership of our actions is where the growth begins.
I like the idea of sitting with it and probing to find out what it is that we actually desire, or to find out what lesson(s) can we tane ajjfrom the experience.
This piece was so honest and vulnerable and writing vulnerably takes a great amount of inner strength. Thank you for opening your heart.🩷