This hit SO close to home for me. I have struggled with jealousy for as long as I can remember and I’m so deeply ashamed of this emotion; this “ugly” side of my soul. My eyes are leaking. We grew up incredibly poor, my brother and I were raised by a single mom. Our basic needs were met, but my devout Catholic grandmother paid to send us to a Catholic school. The school associated with the church she belonged to just happened to be the most prestigious school in the area. My grandmother was one of the loveliest people I have ever known. She wasn't wealthy by any means, but this was that important to her, so she made the sacrifice. The school taught from kindergarten through 8th grade and when I was little, it was fine. By the time I was ten or eleven—around 5th grade—that began to change. I became aware of the enormous homes my friends lived in, the inground pools, the immense closets full of all the clothes I wanted but couldn't have, their stories of cruises to the Bahamas, vacations in Hawaii, or trips to Disney World. A little green seed of envy began to take root, and as it grew, I felt increasingly more inferior to everyone around me. Flash forward to now and it’s taken a slightly different form, but it still tells me I’m inferior. I also have a dream of writinga novel and getting it published. When I see people celebrating literary victories, I can almost hear it whisper that I won't ever amount to anything. I shove the feeling down as I congratulate them and tell them I’m proud. It's not untrue—I am proud of them. I want to love people. I want to see them succeed. But that doesn't mean I’m not jealous. I saw your post the other day and normally, I’d have read it right away. I didn’t consciously connect the reason why I opted to postpone reading to what I was feeling. But if I’m being honest, just seeing the title likely spurred my anxiety—because we try to stuff our dark parts down, to hide them, to hide from them—Just as you were taught growing up. I was taught the same. You're absolutely right though. Stuffing our dark parts down does not serve us. Taking ownership of our actions is where the growth begins.
I like the idea of sitting with it and probing to find out what it is that we actually desire, or to find out what lesson(s) can we tane ajjfrom the experience.
This piece was so honest and vulnerable and writing vulnerably takes a great amount of inner strength. Thank you for opening your heart.🩷
I found myself breathing really deeply while reading this. It is so amazing how the feelings we have can become something entirely different when shame is involved. Like with jealousy, when doused in shame, can root down and become inferiority. Or something else. Ultimately I think it is very complex and nuanced why this happens or how shame makes its way into the matter. To want is a neutral thing. I think it loses neutrality once again when we internalize messages that we can never have it or there is something about us that is undeserving.
Thank you for sharing the impact this had. I was scared to post this one, because I think it is not uncommon and can be uncomfortable to read because of that. I wish you luck if you do choose to sit with it. If you do choose to see what is there 🧡
My mom is BPD, highly manipulative and narcissistic—it’s really messed me up. She used guilt and shame to control us and still tries to control. My brother moved away and as a therapist, has an easier time maintaining healthy boundaries. I had a family and put down roots so I can’t really get away but I have put significant distance between us. Still those voices are constantly telling me that everything I do or think is wrong or evil. I know it’s not true but it’s so hard to escape. Jealousy isn’t something she really even preached about, yet it’s something that’s taught as wrong and the part of me that feels intense guilt and shame has attached itself to so much of what I think. (Idk if that makes sense). This really made me think and I do want to learn to use that feeling to reframe the control it has over me. 🩷
Wow, Taylor🩷
This hit SO close to home for me. I have struggled with jealousy for as long as I can remember and I’m so deeply ashamed of this emotion; this “ugly” side of my soul. My eyes are leaking. We grew up incredibly poor, my brother and I were raised by a single mom. Our basic needs were met, but my devout Catholic grandmother paid to send us to a Catholic school. The school associated with the church she belonged to just happened to be the most prestigious school in the area. My grandmother was one of the loveliest people I have ever known. She wasn't wealthy by any means, but this was that important to her, so she made the sacrifice. The school taught from kindergarten through 8th grade and when I was little, it was fine. By the time I was ten or eleven—around 5th grade—that began to change. I became aware of the enormous homes my friends lived in, the inground pools, the immense closets full of all the clothes I wanted but couldn't have, their stories of cruises to the Bahamas, vacations in Hawaii, or trips to Disney World. A little green seed of envy began to take root, and as it grew, I felt increasingly more inferior to everyone around me. Flash forward to now and it’s taken a slightly different form, but it still tells me I’m inferior. I also have a dream of writinga novel and getting it published. When I see people celebrating literary victories, I can almost hear it whisper that I won't ever amount to anything. I shove the feeling down as I congratulate them and tell them I’m proud. It's not untrue—I am proud of them. I want to love people. I want to see them succeed. But that doesn't mean I’m not jealous. I saw your post the other day and normally, I’d have read it right away. I didn’t consciously connect the reason why I opted to postpone reading to what I was feeling. But if I’m being honest, just seeing the title likely spurred my anxiety—because we try to stuff our dark parts down, to hide them, to hide from them—Just as you were taught growing up. I was taught the same. You're absolutely right though. Stuffing our dark parts down does not serve us. Taking ownership of our actions is where the growth begins.
I like the idea of sitting with it and probing to find out what it is that we actually desire, or to find out what lesson(s) can we tane ajjfrom the experience.
This piece was so honest and vulnerable and writing vulnerably takes a great amount of inner strength. Thank you for opening your heart.🩷
I found myself breathing really deeply while reading this. It is so amazing how the feelings we have can become something entirely different when shame is involved. Like with jealousy, when doused in shame, can root down and become inferiority. Or something else. Ultimately I think it is very complex and nuanced why this happens or how shame makes its way into the matter. To want is a neutral thing. I think it loses neutrality once again when we internalize messages that we can never have it or there is something about us that is undeserving.
Thank you for sharing the impact this had. I was scared to post this one, because I think it is not uncommon and can be uncomfortable to read because of that. I wish you luck if you do choose to sit with it. If you do choose to see what is there 🧡
My mom is BPD, highly manipulative and narcissistic—it’s really messed me up. She used guilt and shame to control us and still tries to control. My brother moved away and as a therapist, has an easier time maintaining healthy boundaries. I had a family and put down roots so I can’t really get away but I have put significant distance between us. Still those voices are constantly telling me that everything I do or think is wrong or evil. I know it’s not true but it’s so hard to escape. Jealousy isn’t something she really even preached about, yet it’s something that’s taught as wrong and the part of me that feels intense guilt and shame has attached itself to so much of what I think. (Idk if that makes sense). This really made me think and I do want to learn to use that feeling to reframe the control it has over me. 🩷